Panhandling

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp.


Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.


Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.


Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.


Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife & 6 kids to support"


Carlos looks at Jose's sign.


It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico"

National Weather Service

The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter was going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a VERY cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure, that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely" the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!

Chinese Virgin

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different!

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years
ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got
pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline
didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."

Blatant Racial Discrimination

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

Amish Meet the Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father yells to his son, "Hurry boy - go get your mother!"

The Italian

One day I go to Toronto and stay in a bigga hotel. I go down to eat soma breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pissa toast. She bring me only one piss.
I tella her I wanna two piss; she say, go to toilet - I say, you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you betta no piss on plate, you sonna ma b*tch! I don't even know lady, she calla me somma ma b*tch. Then I go to pharmacia with a cougha. The man he give me candy ana tell me fa cough! - I don't even know man ana he tella me FA COUGH! Later I got to eat soma lunch at Ricky's Place, the waitress she bring me spoon, a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock - She tell me everybody wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on table. She say you betta not fock on table you sonna ma b*tch - I not even know lady ana she call me sonna ma b*tch. So, I go back to my hotel room, an there's no sheet on my bed. I
calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet, he tell me go to toilet. So, I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on bed. He say you betta not sheet on bed you sonna ma b*tch. I don't even know man ana he call me sonna ma b*tch! I go to check out of hotel and man at desk say peace to you. I say peace on you too!, you sonna ma b*tch! - I GO BACK TO ITALY!!!

Japanese Prostitute

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!". All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"

Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive! "The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead? "The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."

Why It Is Important To Know English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bankShort line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated. He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestuday, I get two hunat dolla for yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change? "The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations" .The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too"

Confused

There was this Native American boy who wasconfused so this is what he asked his mother: Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm? She answered: Because he was conceived during a wind storm.Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She answered again: Because she was conceived when the moon was shining. The poor little boy looked sad and confused.His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused Brokenrubber?''

Cannabilism

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

Room For The Night

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.How was Jesus born?"Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.""Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger.""That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"