Bar Food

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $5.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes" she purrs "I am."

The man replies "Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Sisters Of St. Francis

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks it's a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: Sisters of St. Francis.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!

The Truth

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

Ex-Girlfriend

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

"No," he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

Scoring with the Grandmas

There was this really old guy at a dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,"Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!

"I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin.

After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said,"Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $50".

Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

Dwarf Problems

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

Paying the Prostitute

Three friends decided to visit a prostitute. It was a slow night, So she gave the guys a deal. "You can pay by the inch."

When the first man comes back out his friends ask, "How much did she charge you?"

"$75 dollars," said the first.

The second guy goes in and returns with a fee of $85. The first two were proud of their prowess.

The third man goes in and returns, "How much did she charge you?" ask the first two.
"$20 dollars" replies the third.

The first two start laughing hysterically.

"Hey guys," replied the third, "I'm not so stupid, I paid on the way out instead of on the way in!"

Snowed In

Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend
the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there
weren't enough bedrooms.

The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two
daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms.
Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they were going
to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of
signals so that each could let the other two know if they were
successful.

The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell,
"Freight train through bedroom one!"

The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"

Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell,"Freight train through
bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail
train through bedroom two!" was heard.

Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out,
"Handcar through the attic!!"

Leaving Trails

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

Fooling Around

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

Bubba's Women

A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”

Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”

The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser.

His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

Pedofile

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said "What are you doing?" She said "I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile." And the guy responded "Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old"!

Confucious Sex

Confucious say:
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl! Man who jizz in cash register come into money.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.
Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.
Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.
Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.
Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.
Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

The Sergeant Major

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?""Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

On The Edge

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

Out Of Town

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."

500 Dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, "I must have you right now! I'll drop $500 on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.The lady said "That jerk had $500 in quarters!"

Spit or Swallow

Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian."Nina asks, "Why?"Rosy answers, "'Cause I need to know once and for all how many calories there are in semen."Nina replies, "I really have no clue, but if you're swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you're a little chunky."

You Will Be Punished

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in."I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"